I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
only you would photoshop your dick
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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