new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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