dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
