Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
