My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
