i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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