Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
