I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
