I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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