my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
