mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
