it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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