There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So much Jack, so little girl.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
