the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
