Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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