Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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