I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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