I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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