R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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