apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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