nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
