Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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