She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
