Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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