Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
