I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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