I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
