Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize