i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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