I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
how drunk are you?
Several
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
