remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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