Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
