Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
