Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
