I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
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