i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He shit in the fireplace
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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