I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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