A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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