so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
