now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you bring me the toilet please
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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