Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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