Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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