Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
