Your face is a jimmy john
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Im part way to drunk.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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