I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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