You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
