I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
