Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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