True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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