you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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