I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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