The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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