girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she peed on how many people?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
