Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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