I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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