wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
