So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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