Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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