he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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